My husband Brian was the strongest man I know.
At 50, he was as fit as he was in his 20s, and I am amazed how effortlessly he pushed, pulled and carried items that have tested the strength of two men.
he had boundless energy and never sat still for long. If it wasn ?? t work, the two of us and his companion would go fishing. Brian has always taken most of the burden when it came to moving our dull 12 feet on and off the trailer and carrying the heavy engine on board ?? water.
Not surprisingly, he also caught the largest fish. This had much to do with his uncanny knack for knowing when a fish took the bait, but it was also because of the force required to transport fish from great depth and in the boat. Many times I managed to snag a good but not in the force coil.
Brian has also been blessed with good health. In the 30 years of our marriage, he never suffered anything worse than a cold. He never took a sick day in his professional life.
A Sudden, Change Irreversible
Something changed when Brian turned 52.
Despite he seemed stronger than ever, he easily tired and fall asleep watching television soon after eating his dinner.
He caught a cold mid-year that will not disappear. When he began experiencing shortness of breath, cold it was assumed had turned into a chest infection and encouraged to visit the doctor.
?? A course of antibiotics and you'll be right as rain, ?? I suggested.
But my advice would not have helped his condition.
Brian returned from his rendezvous doctor ?? s with news that he has not had a lung infection. Instead, he was a pleural effusion that caused dyspnea. The doctor performed thoracentesis to relieve her symptoms, draining more than half a gallon of liquid.
Once the liquid has disappeared, Brian felt immediate relief, but the cause of the spill was still unknown. The doctor took a biopsy and told Brian to come back in two days for the results.
Meanwhile, I turned to the web in search of his symptoms, learn more about pleural effusions and what makes them.
My online research showed pleural effusions may occur for a number of reasons, including mesothelioma, a cancer linked to asbestos. After reading this, I instantly remembered Brian saying he grew up in the mining town of Wittenoom asbestos.
Suddenly, my blood froze.
Could this be the reason for his pleural effusion?
certainly not, I reasoned. Forty-five years have passed since Brian left Wittenoom, and we had been together for 30 of them. I could not remember him ever being ill.
Convinced of his pleural effusion was because of something far less sinister, I did not mention anything to Brian about asbestos and mesothelioma. I did not want to worry unnecessarily.
The evidence of exposure to asbestos is in the results
His biopsy results were alarming.
The drained fluid form his body contained the cancer cells. Further tests were necessary to identify the type of cancer.
It was terrifying to know Brian had cancer of any kind, but I clung to the hope that his cancer is treatable and with a good chance of survival.
the day he was diagnosed, I was standing beside him when a young doctor approached us. He pronounced the word that will mark the end of the life of Brian ?? and change the course of my life forever ". Mesothelioma"
Without thinking, I asked the doctor confirmed my question and without the slightest hint of compassion says "Asbestos?" "Three to nine months I think. "
Brian said nothing. My heart sank knowing the pain he must have felt. It was a hell of a way to be told he was dying.
It was also the worst possible way for me to learn the life we shared was about to end earlier than expected.
I could not imagine my life without him nor do I want. I left the hospital that day determined to find a way to save his life. I surfed the web for days in the hope of finding a miracle cure for mesothelioma. I found none and had to accept that Brian was going to die soon.
Forgetting about me and focusing on Brian
The acceptance has not made it easier to bear.
There was torture knowing there was no cure for the disease of Brian ??. I could not stop thinking about his prognosis and started crying in anticipation of his death. I'm more interested in things that once brought me pleasure.
I put my retail business for sale, stopped to visit friends and concentrate solely on caring for Brian. His welfare became my reason to live.
One of the things that concerned me most was the pain he can suffer as her illness progressed. I put together a pain management routine from several online resources that have proven invaluable. It helped me to keep the pain to a minimum ?? mostly
. I wished I could do the same for my emotional pain. It was agony knowing that Brian had to die in less than a year. Time passed so fast. The dawn of each day reminded me of our time together was short.
With my world upside down, I find it hard to act normal and rarely laughed without feeling guilty. There were many days when I wondered, "How do I live my life when Brian is dying?"
Ironically, it was the approach of Brian ?? his death and disease that showed me the way on my life.
Brian taught me lessons in life
Regardless of the prognosis, Brian kept his normal routine and went to work every day with the same enthusiasm as he had always done. Every chance he got, he went fishing. He was not about to let mesothelioma take this pleasure to him.
I really admired his courage. He must have had his dark moments, but he never mentioned them to me. I came to understand what he did for love. He did not want me to be sad all the time and must have really missed the fun, easy going woman, I used to be.
There must be something else I could do for Brian Also keep him out of pain. I could stop thinking about her illness and threatening death, and focus on the life we shared it yet.
From that moment, whenever possible, I put my pain aside and really appreciated the things Brian and I could do together. We returned to our weekly game of bowling and frequently visited friends for a fun time to play a ball game. I really liked these occasions, and it was so good to laugh in the presence of Brian ?? again without feeling guilty.
And of course, we went fishing. When Brian grew steadily weaker, his comrades and I took over the heavy lifting. After a long day in the boat, I'm exhausted, but if Brian wanted to go out again the next day, I could not refuse.
Although it wasn ?? t fishing, Brian loved being near the ocean. Sometimes he and I take long walks on the beach wanting nothing more than the company of the other ?? and the feel of the ocean under our feet.
Brian mesothelioma survived for two years. Precious memories that we made during that time continue to warm my heart and that I continue to this day.
