My husband, Brian, was a wonderful man who loved life, loved his family and enjoyed celebrating special occasions with us. Christmas was his favorite time of year.
spending Despite his prognosis of three to nine months, Brian had experienced two days of Christmas with us (1999 and 00) and is looking forward to a third. Although it was very low at that time, he was determined to spend Christmas with his family and took part in all preparations.
I will never forget the day we took him to the local mall to do Christmas shopping, or the look of joy on his face as he chose a special gift to us all.
a week before Christmas 01, Brian and I sat together quietly when he asked, "How many Christmas have I seen since my diagnosis? Thinking he would be with us for Christmas in a few days, I replied, "Three"
Brian then turned to me and said.. "I do not think I'll be here for another"
'Was Not Good News
death was the farthest thing from my mind when my husband, Brian, had started to feel shortness of breath more than two years earlier. I thought it was most likely due to a chest infection and makes the appointment of a doctor for him, thinking he would be prescribed a course of antibiotics.
I could not be more wrong.
When Brian went home, he had some disturbing news. He told me that his breath was caused by an accumulation of fluid on his lungs and the doctor had drained it and send it to pathology.
When the results came back, the news has not been good. Cancer cells were found in the fluid, and further tests were needed to determine what type of cancer they had.
Nothing could prepare us for the test results.
Our worst nightmare
Brian was diagnosed with pleural mesothelioma in December 1999 and said there was no cure for this disease. There was no mention of a transaction or a clinical trial that may have extended the life of Brian. Instead, he was given three to nine months to live
I can not begin to imagine what thoughts ran through the mind of Brian in devastating moment in time, but I can never forget the thoughts that crossed mine. "This can not be true. It can not be dying. I do not think."
Looking back, I can see that my refusal to believe that there was no cure for the disease Brian helped me to focus on finding a way to save his life, rather than thinking about his death.
Pray that there was a cure for mesothelioma and all I had to do was find, I spent many hours on the Internet looking for someone, somewhere, who survived this disease.
Unfortunately, my efforts were in vain, and there came a day when I had to accept that Brian was going to die. Prognosis of three to nine months hung heavily on my mind, and I was afraid of what the future would bring.
Not knowing what to expect, I began to worry about how and when he would die and was reluctant to let him out of my sight if he died without me having a chance say goodbye.
Living in expectation of his death was a surreal experience for me, especially when the disease was in its infancy and only symptom was shortness of breath. Once the fluid has been drained, Brian's breathing returned to normal, and he looked and acted the same as he always had
In the early days, there were many times I thought. "How can he be dying when it looks so good?"
thoughts of death
As the disease progressed and Brian mesothelioma havoc could be clearly seen in his body once strong, the thought of him dying was never far from my mind.
Whatever Brian had thoughts about his prognosis, he kept to himself. He never mentioned the subject of death, and not wanting to upset him unnecessarily, I followed his example.
People often ask me how Brian was facing her terminal diagnosis. Their question never failed to disturb me, and I often felt like answer: "How would you feel if you were told you were going to die"
Despite this, I did not answer at all? world in this way, and my stock answer to this question was.. "I do not know how Brian faced the knowledge that he is dying I can only tell you how I feel," if they cared to listen, I say them I felt like if I die too.
The devastation mesothelioma places on the body began to show, and I worried about his impending death. After his diagnosis, I promised him that he would not die in hospital, even if we had not talked about death since then, I am determined to keep my promise.
Despite this, I am really worried about my ability to make this possible. I knew nothing about the death of steps and feared that I would not be able to help Brian in due course.
Final provisions
Again, I turned to the internet and came to understand. the process of death and the things I could do to support Brian as he traveled to the end of his life
Learn what to expect was one thing; get to watch my beloved husband was another. It finally became impossible for me to keep my pain inside. I desperately needed to talk to someone, but I do not want to put more stress on my children.
Fortunately, Brian's sister, Pat, was there for me. I will always be grateful for the love and support of this beautiful woman who, despite her own pain, supported me in my time of need. When I need to talk, she was there to listen; when I had to cry, she was there to comfort me.
If ever there was an angel on earth, it is surely one of them.
One of the things I was really worried Funeral of Brian and where he would be buried. I was afraid I would not be able to cope with funeral arrangements after he had died, and I wanted to put things in place beforehand.
Again, Pat was there to support me. She and I discussed what we thought was best for Brian to his death, and I made arrangements.
Christmas and Goodbyes
As Christmas approaches, I instinctively knew that Brian wanted to talk about his death. I felt so grateful that he wanted to share his feelings with me
This allowed for me to share my feelings with him, and our next conversation -. So incredibly sad. - Brought a huge sense of relief
Brian told me he's not afraid to die and he was happy with the memorial service I had planned for him. That meant a lot to me, as I so wanted his memory be a fitting celebration of his life.
We talked to Brian parents, who had both past and wondered if they would be waiting for him on the other side. The thought of it was so comforting.
Brian died on Christmas Eve 01. He was 54 years old.
